chaos or peace

SURVIVORS OF ABUSE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND/OR EXTREME ABUSE: DO YOU SEEK CHAOS OR PEACE?

SURVIVORS OF ABUSE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND/OR EXTREME ABUSE: DO YOU SEEK CHAOS OR PEACE?   Ever wonder if you seek chaos unconsciously? Did you grow up in a chaotic household? Were you a child in a home filled with domestic violence? Were you the adult in such a household (or are you now in a domestic violence situation)? Was physical and/or sexual childhood abuse part of your disruptive household? Did you suffer extreme abuse, ritual abuse, and/or torture as a child and/or as an adult? Did you adapt? Did you learn to deal “well” with chaos? Is it what you became accustomed to as a child and/or as an adult? Do you find yourself in a job that is high-paced and contains a sense of urgency? It does not need to be an emergency room-type job. Barista jobs can contain an element of urgency as well as can other types of employment. If you enjoy a fast-paced, multi-tasking job and excel at it, there is no problem. If you suddenly realize that you are exhausted and burnt out from the fast-paced environment with its element of chaos, what do you do? What choices do you have? Do you want to ...

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND CHILDHOOD ABUSE CONSEQUENCES

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND CHILDHOOD ABUSE CONSEQUENCES LOYALTY OR STUCK IN RELATIONSHIP AND/OR IN LIFE?   As a survivor of domestic violence and childhood sexual abuse, and as a life coach, I understand that certain traits I have were most likely caused by the abusive situations and perpetrators. Two of these traits are loyalty (often misplaced) and an unwillingness to take risks (even calculated ones) due to inertia. Even after leaving the violent situations with the perpetrators, this inertia or immobilization kept me in other situations longer than was beneficial for me. Articles and books have been written about these subjects. Judith Herman’s book, “Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence – from domestic abuse to political terror” is a classic; and, I highly recommend it. Bessel A. van der Kolk in “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” covers many of the issues with attachment as well as loyalty to the abuser. He writes on page 133, “Children are also programmed to be fundamentally loyal to their caretakers, even if they are abused by them. Terror increases the need for attachment, even if the source of comfort is also the source of terror.” ...

FORGIVING MY MOTHER FOR INCEST AND ALL THE ABUSE

FORGIVING MY MOTHER FOR INCEST AND ALL THE ABUSE   Forgiveness is a highly charged word for many of us. Incest is a word that many people want to ignore and avoid. Incest – a dirty, secret, taboo that seldom occurs is what too many humans want to believe. Putting forgiveness and incest in the same sentence can cause a collective gasp. It also may cause some of you to stop reading. Please don’t! Somewhere along my healing journey, I forgave my mother, Mary Ellen, my mom. This forgiveness was not a one-shot deal. I forgave her, got angry again, delved further into the wounds and the hurt, let time pass; somehow forgave her again ….. It was a cycle of healing and forgiveness. Each time the forgiveness became stronger and sturdier as the wounds healed further and the hurt dissipated. Oh, the pain and the hurt are not totally eradicated – not do I expect them to be. As an online life coach for incest survivors as well as other abuse and trauma survivors, I have no expectations or opinion that a client or a survivor needs to forgive anyone. It makes sense that each individual looks inside oneself ...

A LIFE COACH FOR SURVIVORS OF ABUSE AND/OR TORTURE

A LIFE COACH FOR SURVIVORS OF ABUSE AND/OR TORTURE   Recently I have been asked about my role and practice as a trauma and abuse life coach for survivors of abuse and/or torture. The question behind the question is usually related to therapy. Although I am clear in my writings on my website about the differences between life coaching and therapy, I would like to share a few of my thoughts regarding both therapy and life coaching. Therapy has been an important part of my healing process. Three different therapists played major roles in my healing process … three men with various therapy styles and modalities. Looking back, I can see how each one filled an important niche for me at the time. It amazes me how life or providence or serendipity gives you what you need when you keep your eyes and heart open. The therapy process is insight-oriented and tends to look mostly at a person’s past as well as present and future. Life coaching (or my style of life coaching) tends to look at the present and the future. In the following, I shall give a few examples of when or how people choose to begin life ...

A SALUTE TO PROTECTIVE PARENTS & THE ATTORNEYS THAT REPRESENT THEM

A SALUTE TO PROTECTIVE PARENTS and the ATTORNEYS THAT REPRESENT THEM   Nine years ago this week, I left Germany with my daughter, Megan Mulczynski, in order to protect Megan from her abusive father and others. Megan, at that time, was freely speaking of the abuse that was perpetrated upon her. My story is told in great detail at www.hopeforus.wordpress.com This blog is not only about me though. I want to acknowledge the countless women who become protective parents in order to keep their children safe from abusers (usually the child’s father). People have may preconceived notions of the court systems in the United States as well as internationally. I highly recommend the documentary available on DVD called, “No Way Out But One”. It is the true story of Holly Collins who fled to the Netherlands to protect her children. The DVD is riveting and at times very hard for me to watch. This documentary very clearly and poignantly shows what happens in the family court system in our society. http://www.nowayoutbutone.com/ It is also important to me to commend the attorneys who defend women who are forced into the position of fleeing with their children. Alan Rosenfeld, Attorney-at-Law, represented me ...

Freedom from Abuse, Torture & Mind Control

FREEDOM FROM ABUSE, TORTURE & MIND CONTROL   The Fourth of July brings thoughts of personal freedom and independence to mind. If you are still captive in an abusive relationship of any kind or not, please continue to read. We all deserve independence, freedom, healthy relationships, self-care, and self-love. Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult in so many respects; yet, it can be accomplished. I still know the date of when my then husband (abuser/torturer) and I separated as well as the date of the last time the abuse, torture, and mind control was perpetrated upon me by him. For me, not being in any relationship containing abuse, torture and/or mind control (and after a healing period) allows me freedom from: Unwanted memories and flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse, incest, and human trafficking A marriage filled with domestic violence, torture, mind control, and deviant religious practices Having to “tell all” or report to my initial childhood abusers and/or to my ex-husband, Tom M. Suicidal brainwashing Now I experience freedom to: Show happiness and joy Sip a cup of tea in utter peace and in safe solitude Think of myself Explore my spirituality Discover who I am on deeper levels Dream Explore ...

JUST “BE”

JUST "BE" When is the last time you just let yourself “be”? We live in a culture that judges us on our activity levels, on what we do, and who we are. That “who we are” in our society is usually a career label. The hierarchy of careers is ingrained in most of us from an early age. Economically, we reward persons for their work in certain fields over others. When is the last time you felt valued for just “be-ing” you? How many situations do you experience where what you do for a living is not known, asked, or valued? In some European countries, it is considered rude to ask an acquaintance, “What do you do for a living?” How refreshing it might be to accept others, to know others, for who they are as an individual without career identification. Labels identify us. Sometimes sharing a label such as “survivor” can unite us in community. Sometimes identification tags limit us. We become the label. We forget, or never even realize, how much more we are or can be; or, we never ever met the criterion for the label to start. I am too hard on myself … still. That ...