rediscovering childhood passion

REDISCOVERING a CHILDHOOD PASSION

REDISCOVERING a CHILDHOOD PASSION   Reading was a childhood passion of mine. It was an inexpensive form of entertainment and a way to escape the world of abuse. I read almost any book I could find in my house. As the youngest child in the family, many books were over my head. It did not stop me from reading them! My sister, Linda, belonged to a book club. I enjoyed reading international cookbooks and the classics. Biographies and fiction enthralled me. Years later, I sought out the classics to read them with an adult perspective and understanding. Career counselors and life coaches often ask a client what was his or her childhood passion. What activity did you enjoy as a child? The career counselor or life coach may wonder if a childhood passion might hold a key to a possible career. In my case, reading lends itself to knowledge, insight and enjoyment. I have not found a career of reading! My mother valued reading and education. She was an avid reader who kept a list of all the books she read over the decades. I have many memories of her trying to catch up on a weeks’ worth of newspapers ...
smidgen of hope

SMIDGEN of HOPE

SMIDGEN of HOPE   What is your definition of hope? Do you even believe in the concept of hope? I know of people who have no belief in hope. Hope to them is foolish. Hope has kept me alive in certain periods of my life. It may also have contributed to my staying in situations for too long. The Oxford Dictionary defines the word as: “A feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen. A person or thing that may help or save someone. Grounds for believing that something good may happen. archaic  A feeling of trust.” -- https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/hope As a child, I hoped the abuse would stop. My goal was to become perfect. Maybe that would prevent the abuse from occurring ever again. I had fantasies of someone saving me … a Prince Charming. The idea of hoping could be considered foolish. Yet fantasies and hope (however childish) of a better life kept me alive through terrible times. As a young adult, the Prince Charming did not come. I fell into a relationship of domestic violence with torture once I left my mother’s house. Leaving the abusive family of origin and moving into a DV (domestic ...
jobs - are you frustrated?

JOBS – ARE YOU FRUSTRATED?

JOBS – ARE YOU FRUSTRATED?   Jobs are quite important to most of us. We need to work to support ourselves and often our family members. Work can also give us a purpose on a deeper level, if we are fortunate. Are you frustrated because your job does not pay a living wage? Are you frustrated because you cannot find a job? Does your frustration lie in knowing friends who are working quite hard and are quite underpaid? Are friends or acquaintances being forced to retire early and often without benefits? Have you noticed big shifts in our society? Elizabeth Gilbert answered a question of the day in a January Facebook post. The question was “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?” In her reply, she divided life into four categories. They are: hobby, job, career, and vocation. Today I will focus on jobs. In future posts, I will write about the other ones. (https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/posts/948792035202912:0?__mref=message_bubble) Gilbert’s article is interesting and thought-provoking. She writes: “You don’t need to love your job: you just need to have a job and do it with respect. Of course, if you absolutely hate your job, by all means look for another one, but try to ...
resolutions gone?

RESOLUTIONS GONE?

RESOLUTIONS GONE?   Are the resolutions you made for 2017 forgotten or ignored? Did you resolve to make changes this year? Are you succeeding in keeping your resolutions? Ever notice in coffee shops how many people order coffee instead of flavored lattes in January? Many people buy less sweets, such as pastries and treats. Most likely New Year resolutions were made to lose weight or to eat healthy. Slowly, most individuals return to the sweet drinks that they favor. It makes me wonder how many individuals succeed in keeping the resolutions made and how long the success lasts. Resolutions can be made any time of the year and for any length you choose. It is possible to restart your day, your week, or your year. One lapse does not mean the entire day is a "failure". Begin it again! A setback can be quite temporary. Those who are Christians and participate in the Lenten season have a built-in second chance to keep any resolutions that were made for the new year. If they have not succeeded, Christians can start over on Ash Wednesday as Lent begin. It is easier to think, I will give up (fill in the blank) for ...
fear - what are you afraid of

FEAR – WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

FEAR – WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?   What do you fear? When you were a child, what were your fears? As a young adult, mature individual or older person, what were your fears? What are your fears now? Are they similar? One day as I was reading a book by Richard Rohr titled, “Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer”, I sat down with a piece of paper and pen. I wrote “What did I fear –“on the top of the page. I would suggest before you read any further – if time permits – that you take a blank piece of paper and write “What did I fear?” as the heading. Then sit, breathe, and let the words flow. Do not take a long time performing this exercise. If nothing comes to mind, no problem. How many of the items you feared occurred in your life? Of course, I was afraid on a daily basis that abuse or torture would occur. Unfortunately abuse was a given in my life. I did not even put it on my list. Here are a few of the items that made it to my fear list: Being alone, on the outskirts Being ...
age

AGE: DOES IT MATTER?

AGE: DOES IT MATTER?   What is your age? Does it matter? Does it matter to you or to others? How old or young do you feel? Do you looks coincide with your actual age? Recently, I turned a year older and became 60 years old. Six decades on this earth. I shared my birthday, my age, and wonderings about 60 years to others. This is not a normal topic of conversation for me. Usually birthdays are special, but no big thing. I also asked individuals of various ages if turning a certain age ever bothered them and why. Showing my vulnerability by sharing that turning 60 years old bothered me led to several interesting and thought-provoking conversations. I liked hearing people’s thoughts. The topic itself led individuals to examine their lives on a different level for a short time. Responses from others when I shared my age included: You don’t look 60. Congratulations! Sixty is the new 40. My discomfort with turning 60 years old had nothing to do with how I look. Guess I figure if I look older than 60, trauma aged me. If I look my age or younger, it is not because of anything special ...
journey as a writer

MY JOURNEY as a WRITER

MY JOURNEY as a WRITER   I am a writer! I write blog posts, letters, notes, and pages in journals. As a young girl, I owned a little diary with a lock and a tiny key. This small diary was filled with the minutiae of my days. I did not write of the awfulness in my household. My diary did not contain secrets like a child’s diary in a healthy home may have. The secrets of my life were too big and too scary. I knew the consequences of putting on paper the secrets of the abuse I suffered would lead to more abuse and punishment. I was an obedient little girl. I wanted to be loved by all – even the abusers in my family of origin. The guilt and shame I felt thinking I was bad and somehow deserved the abuse could not be noted in my diary as a little girl. Of course, at that age I did not have much insight into my life yet. I only knew that I kept getting abused and hurt by my family members and others. They told me I was bad and worthless. I believed them. As a girl in ...
fragile: handle with care

FRAGILE: HANDLE with CARE

FRAGILE: HANDLE with CARE   Life is fragile at times for all of us. As survivors of trauma of any type, we may tend to believe we are immensely strong. We are strong and we also have moments or times of fragility. I especially like to clean my abode before holidays and birthdays. A clean house, laundry washed, and papers sorted put me in relaxed state of mind. Nothing needs to be done. I can experience the holidays or a birthday free of chores and free of a list of items to accomplish. As I was cleaning my living space before Christmas, all moved along quite smoothly. A shower was next on my list followed by laundry. As I stepped into the bedroom, I heard a loud pop and glass breaking. A light bulb over the bathroom sink burst! A small segment of the bulb with very sharp edges remained in the socket. Small glass fragments were all over the sink, floor and bathroom rugs. Shoes, I thought. I must put on shoes! The sudden breaking of the light bulb appeared to be a sign to me. A sign of what? I do not know. Immediately gratitude washed over me ...
past, present and future

PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE

PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE   Past, present and future are important aspects of one’s journey. Do you put more weight on one segment of your life than others? How does that affect who you are and how you live your life? Past – 2016 (or even further past) Present – this moment – today Future – Hopes and/or Fears I recently watched the last half of “It’s a Wonderful Life” with James Stewart playing George Bailey. Most of my readers have probably seen the movie, so I will not go into depth regarding the plot. If you have not watched “It’s a Wonderful Life”, you may enjoy it! George Bailey is desperate and suicidal. George is facing financial ruin and even jail. An angel trying to get his wings saves George. This angel then proceeds to show George what his life would have been like if he had not lived. George also sees what occurred to others who did not have George in his life. These experiences of seeing life as if he had not been born gave George a different perspective of his life in the present. He returns to his wife and children filled with joy. Whether he ...
triggers - surprise attacks

TRIGGERS: SURPRISE ATTACKS

TRIGGERS: SURPRISE ATTACKS   You are well on your healing road. Life is moving along smoothly or smoothly enough. You, as a survivor of abuse or trauma, most probably have insight regarding what triggers you. One day you realize old behaviors have returned. Maybe you are drinking more alcohol than normal, or you are turning to food or away from food, or you reenact part of the past abuse/torture, or suddenly you have a dream (or dream segment) that contains parts of what occurred during the abuse. Maybe you are irritable and less tolerant than normal. You realize that triggers have attacked you by surprise! What do you do? How do you cope? First, sit and breathe ….. More insight is available! You are growing and healing further. As you sit and breathe, relax. Let go of preconceived notions. In fact, let go of all thoughts for 5 – 10 – 20 minutes. Hear the silence as your noisy thoughts move in and out of your mind as clouds move across the sky. Pay little notice. Sit with yourself, your true inner being. Now, as calmness and clarity becomes prominent, reflect on the last days or weeks. Triggers can be ...