journey as a writer

MY JOURNEY as a WRITER

MY JOURNEY as a WRITER   I am a writer! I write blog posts, letters, notes, and pages in journals. As a young girl, I owned a little diary with a lock and a tiny key. This small diary was filled with the minutiae of my days. I did not write of the awfulness in my household. My diary did not contain secrets like a child’s diary in a healthy home may have. The secrets of my life were too big and too scary. I knew the consequences of putting on paper the secrets of the abuse I suffered would lead to more abuse and punishment. I was an obedient little girl. I wanted to be loved by all – even the abusers in my family of origin. The guilt and shame I felt thinking I was bad and somehow deserved the abuse could not be noted in my diary as a little girl. Of course, at that age I did not have much insight into my life yet. I only knew that I kept getting abused and hurt by my family members and others. They told me I was bad and worthless. I believed them. As a girl in ...
fragile: handle with care

FRAGILE: HANDLE with CARE

FRAGILE: HANDLE with CARE   Life is fragile at times for all of us. As survivors of trauma of any type, we may tend to believe we are immensely strong. We are strong and we also have moments or times of fragility. I especially like to clean my abode before holidays and birthdays. A clean house, laundry washed, and papers sorted put me in relaxed state of mind. Nothing needs to be done. I can experience the holidays or a birthday free of chores and free of a list of items to accomplish. As I was cleaning my living space before Christmas, all moved along quite smoothly. A shower was next on my list followed by laundry. As I stepped into the bedroom, I heard a loud pop and glass breaking. A light bulb over the bathroom sink burst! A small segment of the bulb with very sharp edges remained in the socket. Small glass fragments were all over the sink, floor and bathroom rugs. Shoes, I thought. I must put on shoes! The sudden breaking of the light bulb appeared to be a sign to me. A sign of what? I do not know. Immediately gratitude washed over me ...
past, present and future

PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE

PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE   Past, present and future are important aspects of one’s journey. Do you put more weight on one segment of your life than others? How does that affect who you are and how you live your life? Past – 2016 (or even further past) Present – this moment – today Future – Hopes and/or Fears I recently watched the last half of “It’s a Wonderful Life” with James Stewart playing George Bailey. Most of my readers have probably seen the movie, so I will not go into depth regarding the plot. If you have not watched “It’s a Wonderful Life”, you may enjoy it! George Bailey is desperate and suicidal. George is facing financial ruin and even jail. An angel trying to get his wings saves George. This angel then proceeds to show George what his life would have been like if he had not lived. George also sees what occurred to others who did not have George in his life. These experiences of seeing life as if he had not been born gave George a different perspective of his life in the present. He returns to his wife and children filled with joy. Whether he ...
grief, light and love

GRIEF, LIGHT and LOVE

GRIEF, LIGHT and LOVE   Grief, light and love may be a part of your holiday season. Although we picture the ideal peace and joy of the season, many of us experience grief as well. The reasons for grieving are varied. I do not need to enumerate them here. Each of us know what causes us heartbreak, sadness, and grief. Recently I was unexpectedly struck by grief. This sadness was precipitated by the realization that it has been ten years since I spent the holidays with my daughter. Years are gone. The love is not lost though. Aeschylus wrote: "Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.” As I sat … in tears … I once again realized that grief had struck. Grief is like that. It comes and goes. Grief has a life of its own. The intensity may lessen over time. Sometimes we need to revisit hurts and losses of our past to process them further. This revisiting can be surprisingly healing. Bittersweet is a word someone used to describe the loss of a parent ...
holiday stress solutions

HOLIDAY STRESS SOLUTIONS

HOLIDAY STRESS SOLUTIONS   Holiday stress solutions are as varied as the actual difficulties. This time of year, there are many articles on the subject. I am no expert, but I do have experience in handling the stress of the season. This week I noticed that I was operating on stress overload. One of the most important holiday stress solutions is to sleep! Yes, sleep! Sleep is a necessity. Most of us tend to sleep less during this season because of work, holiday activities, and even insomnia. Instead of thinking that sleep is not a priority, please think again. An article that recently resonated with me speaks to the sleep issue. Although the article has no relationship to the holidays, I want to share it with each of you. “After a Breakup, an App to Help Breathe, Then Run” stresses the importance of breathing and sleeping. (Here is the link: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/02/fashion/modern-love-breakup-app-breathing-running-therapy.html?_r=2 .) This article also emphasizes using intuition as well as your head. Sleep brings clarity which brings better decision-making. The body and mind need to rest. Last night, I slept for ten hours. It was a deep, refreshing sleep. Wonderful! Christmas present shopping is on many people’s lists. Unfortunately ...
joy and freedom

JOY and FREEDOM

JOY AND FREEDOM   Joy and freedom is a glorious topic for a blog post! When one has survived the horrors of abuse and torture, freedom is especially precious. Sometimes human beings can take freedom for granted as well as joy. Recently I had an extremely short chance encounter with my former defense attorney, Alan Rosenfeld. Alan Rosenfeld with my former public defense attorney successful defended me when I was charged with custodial interference. I was a protective parent who attempted to keep my daughter, Megan, safe from further abuse from her father and others. The jury trial ended in a hung jury. Charges were eventually dismissed. I have a tremendous amount of respect for Alan Rosenfeld as an attorney and as a man. His continued commitment to help battered women and their children is remarkable. (Alan’s website is: http://alanrosenfeld.com/) Later that day I had a phone conversation with a dear friend. As we shared our lives, I was sitting on a bench by a creek. It was quiet around me except for the sounds of the ducks walking on the thin ice. Day ended and evening began. As I walked, I saw the Christmas lights in the park as ...
triggers - surprise attacks

TRIGGERS: SURPRISE ATTACKS

TRIGGERS: SURPRISE ATTACKS   You are well on your healing road. Life is moving along smoothly or smoothly enough. You, as a survivor of abuse or trauma, most probably have insight regarding what triggers you. One day you realize old behaviors have returned. Maybe you are drinking more alcohol than normal, or you are turning to food or away from food, or you reenact part of the past abuse/torture, or suddenly you have a dream (or dream segment) that contains parts of what occurred during the abuse. Maybe you are irritable and less tolerant than normal. You realize that triggers have attacked you by surprise! What do you do? How do you cope? First, sit and breathe ….. More insight is available! You are growing and healing further. As you sit and breathe, relax. Let go of preconceived notions. In fact, let go of all thoughts for 5 – 10 – 20 minutes. Hear the silence as your noisy thoughts move in and out of your mind as clouds move across the sky. Pay little notice. Sit with yourself, your true inner being. Now, as calmness and clarity becomes prominent, reflect on the last days or weeks. Triggers can be ...
abundance and gratitude

ABUNDANCE and GRATITUDE

ABUNDANCE and GRATITUDE   Today is Thanksgiving Day in the United States of America. Where does your abundance lie? For many, Thanksgiving Day is filled with an abundance of food and loving connections. Most unfortunately, there are those who may not have enough to eat or do not have family or friends to share the day. I have fond memories of preparing for a Thanksgiving dinner at my great-aunt’s home. It was fun. The preparations and the actually day were fun. Cousins came. We ate. The kids played. No abuse occurred during the day. I was safe. For me, I will forever think of Thanksgiving as the day before my daughter, Megan, and I were discovered in 2007. Our lives were changed forever. The day after Thanksgiving in 2014 also stands out in my mind. That day I fell and seriously injured my face and teeth. I still eagerly wait for the day of Thanksgiving to be finished and the entire Thanksgiving weekend to be in the past once more. Oh, each year there is less angst and a bit more joy creeps into my world. I cling to gratitude during the season from Thanksgiving to my birthday in January. ...
resiliency - life after shock

RESILIENCY: LIFE AFTER SHOCK

RESILIENCY: LIFE AFTER SHOCK   Resiliency. Life after shock is sobering. The shock hits! Bam! What is your personal response? How do you cope? Shocks initiate from diverse occurrences. These can be caused by individual trauma, as well as local, country-wide or global disturbances. A short list of causes of shock is below. There are many, many more. Rape. Loss of a child in a custody battle. A diagnosis of cancer for you or a loved one Unexpected death of a friend or loved one. A wildfire that burns your home. An earthquake that demolishes a city. A gunman that murders individuals in a movie theater or a school. Shootings in your local neighborhood – many of which result in deaths of innocent people including children. An election result that puts a narcissistic person in power who stands for division and hatred. How do you cope when your first hear of the news? What is your behavior the next day? A week later? A month? Years? If you research the topic of resiliency on the Internet, you will find many articles on this topic. My life (as well as others) have consisted of much trauma and moments of shock. There ...
intimacy and technology today

INTIMACY and TECHNOLOGY

INTIMACY and TECHNOLOGY   Intimacy and technology is a more complex subject than it may seem. This topic consists of many facets. The smart phone as well as Facebook and other technological advances have changed people’s lives in beneficial and detrimental ways. This post will explore intimacy and technology from my perspective as well as other writers' thoughts on the subject. As I pondered the subject of intimacy, I realized how life has changed. Decades ago, neighbors and friends might knock on one’s door unannounced. Hospitality was a given. Even with plain, old phones, individuals still would stop by someone’s house spontaneously. No matter what the distance, it is easier now to communicate with friends and family. Many families and friends are geographically dispersed. Phone costs are much lower (especially on an international basis) than in the past. In some ways – even with the benefits of modern communication technology – it is more challenging to remain close to a person when distance is involved or even when the person lives close to you or when a person even resides in your household! Several technological options that most of us use infrequently or everyday to communicate are listed below. I ...