rediscovering childhood passion

REDISCOVERING a CHILDHOOD PASSION

REDISCOVERING a CHILDHOOD PASSION   Reading was a childhood passion of mine. It was an inexpensive form of entertainment and a way to escape the world of abuse. I read almost any book I could find in my house. As the youngest child in the family, many books were over my head. It did not stop me from reading them! My sister, Linda, belonged to a book club. I enjoyed reading international cookbooks and the classics. Biographies and fiction enthralled me. Years later, I sought out the classics to read them with an adult perspective and understanding. Career counselors and life coaches often ask a client what was his or her childhood passion. What activity did you enjoy as a child? The career counselor or life coach may wonder if a childhood passion might hold a key to a possible career. In my case, reading lends itself to knowledge, insight and enjoyment. I have not found a career of reading! My mother valued reading and education. She was an avid reader who kept a list of all the books she read over the decades. I have many memories of her trying to catch up on a weeks’ worth of newspapers ...
just plain tired

JUST PLAIN TIRED!

JUST PLAIN TIRED   Are you just plain tired? That sentence sounds like a line from a commercial. There are times though when tiredness, lack of energy, inertia, and fatigue settles upon one’s body, mind, heart, and/or spirit. How do you cope when your body is physically worn? Do you allow your body to rest more? Are you compelled to stick to an exercise routine? Is your job physically challenging? Does your financial situation allow you the only option of continuing to push your body past its healthy limits? What is your personal response to mental fatigue? Are thoughts of problems and relationships issues roaming in your mind constantly? Rumination happens. It is unhealthy. People ruminate. It is common according to this article in the BBC Magazine titled, “Rumination: The danger of dwelling”. (Read: http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24444431.) When you are emotionally tired, what are the symptoms? Do you cry more than usual? Do you find yourself often holding back tears? Is stoicism and lack of emotion signs? Are you short-tempered with strangers, acquaintances, and/or loved ones? Food may be a symptom. Eating more than needed, making unhealthy choices, or not eating much at all may occur. The song “Under Pressure” played as ...
feelings in the moment

FEELINGS in the MOMENT

FEELINGS in the MOMENT   Children show their feelings in the moment. If they are happy, you see their smiles. If children are sad, they cry. Young children and older ones who are abused often learn to hide their emotions. I know I did. In my abusive family-of-origin, I was often punished if I showed happiness. I learned to hide my emotions – sadness, joy, frustration, etc. When trauma occurs, whether a single incident such as one rape or constant abuse (including sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and spiritual abuse), we often deny the emotions that occur at the time. In long-term abuse, the victims many times choose not to let the pain and hurt show. As adults who have been traumatized, it is not uncommon to minimize the impact of the trauma. Abuse and trauma have a huge impact in our lives. Once a person begins to deal with the trauma – usually with the help of therapy – the victim starts to feel the deep and intense emotions. These feelings include pain, disappointment, despair, fear, and terror (especially if non-state torture was part of the victimization). Survivors may notice where in their bodies they contain the tension. Anxiety, panic, ...
endurance as love

ENDURANCE as LOVE

ENDURANCE as LOVE   Have you ever thought of endurance as love? Valentine’s Day is upon us. For many, it is a day to celebrate romantic love. Others give it the status of just another day. Some people celebrate the concept of love in general. Love is meant to be noticed and sometimes celebrated in big or in small ways. The writings of Hazrat Inayat Khan often resonate with me. Recently I reread an article titled, “Love, Human and Divine”. (See: http://wahiduddin.net/mv2/VII/VII_9.htm) “Every kind of power lies in this one thing which we call by the simple name: love. Charity, generosity, kindness, affection, endurance, tolerance, and patience – all these words are different aspects of one; they are different names of only one thing: love. Whether it is said, 'God is love,' or whatever name is given to it, all the names are the names of God; and yet every form of love, every name for love, has its own peculiar scope, has a peculiarity of its own. Love as kindness is one thing, love as tolerance is another, love as generosity is another, love as patience another; and yet from beginning to end it is just love. It is ...
synchronicity

SYNCHRONICITY: MOMENTS to PONDER

SYNCHRONICITY: MOMENTS to PONDER   Synchronicity offers us moments to ponder. Synchronicity is defined in the Webster Dictionary as: the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung. A few links that may be of interest to you on this subject are: http://www.voidspace.org.uk/psychology/jung_synchronicity.shtml  “Jung and Synchronicity – The Mystery of Chance” http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/ciencia/ciencia_synchronicity03.htm  “The Philosophical Concept of Synchronicity” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BX_nMwYa-nw  “Carl Jung – Synchronicity” Recently an old childhood friend had been in my thoughts for a few months. Reminders of her and our friendship kept popping into my mind. I used Google to find her. One day, I sent her an e-mail. She responded immediately. Later that week, we connected twice via telephone. We had lost touch somewhere around 2000. There was much to share between two old friends. I told her my story … of the abuse in my past (in both my childhood and my marriage) … of becoming a protective parent to protect my daughter … of my trial and ...
power of love

THE POWER of LOVE

The POWER of LOVE   Where do you seek or find love? Do you believe in the power of Love? Do you still long for the person who abused you to love you? Do you wish the perpetrator would admit the abuse, apologize for it, and then somehow love you in a healthy fashion? If the person who abused or raped or tortured you was a parent or a husband or a sibling, do you cut off all contact and never look back? People often tell me I am strong. They wonder how I survived the abuse in my past. Also, some people wonder why I am not bitter. If you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse or lived in a dangerous household, then where did you seek love? Where did you find love? When I was initially in counseling with Fr. Marcantonio, he raised this issue indirectly. I was a sweet person as a child and as an adult. Love existed somewhere in my childhood. That love helped to form the child I was and the person I am today. Love existed in my life and always has. The decades of abuse and torture covered most of my ...
grief, light and love

GRIEF, LIGHT and LOVE

GRIEF, LIGHT and LOVE   Grief, light and love may be a part of your holiday season. Although we picture the ideal peace and joy of the season, many of us experience grief as well. The reasons for grieving are varied. I do not need to enumerate them here. Each of us know what causes us heartbreak, sadness, and grief. Recently I was unexpectedly struck by grief. This sadness was precipitated by the realization that it has been ten years since I spent the holidays with my daughter. Years are gone. The love is not lost though. Aeschylus wrote: "Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.” As I sat … in tears … I once again realized that grief had struck. Grief is like that. It comes and goes. Grief has a life of its own. The intensity may lessen over time. Sometimes we need to revisit hurts and losses of our past to process them further. This revisiting can be surprisingly healing. Bittersweet is a word someone used to describe the loss of a parent ...
abundance and gratitude

ABUNDANCE and GRATITUDE

ABUNDANCE and GRATITUDE   Today is Thanksgiving Day in the United States of America. Where does your abundance lie? For many, Thanksgiving Day is filled with an abundance of food and loving connections. Most unfortunately, there are those who may not have enough to eat or do not have family or friends to share the day. I have fond memories of preparing for a Thanksgiving dinner at my great-aunt’s home. It was fun. The preparations and the actually day were fun. Cousins came. We ate. The kids played. No abuse occurred during the day. I was safe. For me, I will forever think of Thanksgiving as the day before my daughter, Megan, and I were discovered in 2007. Our lives were changed forever. The day after Thanksgiving in 2014 also stands out in my mind. That day I fell and seriously injured my face and teeth. I still eagerly wait for the day of Thanksgiving to be finished and the entire Thanksgiving weekend to be in the past once more. Oh, each year there is less angst and a bit more joy creeps into my world. I cling to gratitude during the season from Thanksgiving to my birthday in January. ...
loving connections and loneliness paradox

PARADOX – PART 2

LOVING CONNECTIONS & LONELINESS: A Paradox – Part 2   Loving connections and loneliness forms a paradox for me. No matter how many loving connections I have in my life, I still experiences times of intense, profound, inner loneliness. It is only recently that I have decided to not attempt to run away from the feeling. The thought crossed my mind in the past that maybe I was deficient. Maybe something was wrong with me. I wanted to be loved so badly. I wanted the experience and depth of loneliness to disappear. As a survivor who escaped a domestic violence (DV) relationship of decades, I am able to look back now with distance and further clarity. Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse led me to the DV relationship with my former husband, Tom M. I thought I had found true love. Little did I realize then, I had no real and true idea of love. Love is more than words. From the victim’s standpoint, in reality, it is almost impossible to truly love someone you fear. As the romantic relationship with Tom M. progressed, a part of me knew it was a disaster. I ignored the red flags and ...
loving connections and loneliness

LOVING CONNECTIONS & LONELINESS

LOVING CONNECTIONS & LONELINESS: A Paradox – Part 1   The loving connections and loneliness paradox is apparent in my life. In spite of loving connections in my life, I experience intense, profound loneliness sometimes. In the past, I would attempt to escape the loneliness through unhealthy and healthy methods. Now I befriend loneliness or at least get to know it better! This post will concentrate on the loving connection aspect of life. I will address the loneliness piece in the next post. Loving connections are any type of relationships that contain a meeting of hearts or souls. These meetings may be short or long, simple or complex. Loving connections may include: friendships, significant other relationships, parent-child ones, parent-adult child bonds, or even a momentary interaction with a stranger or acquaintance. We each know and experience loving connections. Define it as you will! Take a moment as you read this post to breathe. (After reading this paragraph, look up from the screen and breathe.) Life is often quite busy. I find myself skimming articles too much of the time. If you are able, sit. Relax. Breathe … take a deep breath … again … Spend a few moments thinking of ...